If I Knew You Were Comin', I'd Have Shut the Curtains and Pretended I Wasn't Home.

So. Blogs. Wooo.

I've made a few blogs before and getting started is always the bugger. You need a first post that grabs your reader by the balls and pummels them into submission until they enjoy it like a businessman in an S&M dungeon.

Unfortunately, this is the bile I produce. It's all I'm bringing to the table. Get used to it, marra, there's a plenty more where it came from.

So. Anyway. You've stumbled into this very corner of the vast, infinitely cornered room that is the internet. Unlucky you. But, seeing as you're here, let me rattle off a load of uninteresting and mundane facts about my life.

Actually, sod that. Blog posts that read like a child's story are dreary and shite. "My name is Paul and I have 4 best friends and we go to the park and sometimes play on the swings and I went home and I had food and I eated it all up"...

Fuck. That. With. A. Shovel.

So, why have I started a blog, you ask? I'm sure that that wasn't really a burning question you had on your lips and dying to know the answer to, but I'll pretend otherwise. Indulge me.

Well, it's for the same reason anyone starts a blog. Because they want to feel like they are some sort of Internet Celebrity and people will give a toss about their small and unimportant lives and opinions. Some people make it big. Many, many more fall by the wayside. If this doesn't join those in the wayside party, I'll be disappointed. I can't see how these so-called "professional bloggers" can be called famous, and to join those would go against my ethics about the vast amount of non-celebrities that permeate into every fucking show, book and film, until they're forced down your throat and you're shitting them out for days on end. Some say that after 7 days of extreme non-celebrity exposure, you grow another head. I'm not willing to test that theory out. I think you're probably going to be dead after 3.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am no "Anti-capitalist/consumerist activist", a group more consisely known as "dicks", but I detest everything about the celebrity culture and how everyone is vying for their 15 minutes of fame. There are 7 billion people, and if each person gets theirs one after the other, we're talking almost 200,000 years of un-funny comedians, talentless actors and musicians and idiotic people injuring themselves with hammers, á la Jackass and Dirty Sanchez. Although not injuring themselves enough, in my eyes.

So, do me a favour, and make this blog crash and burn. I'll thank you for it, and maybe, one day, we can all get together and laugh at the popular kids when they're washed up and over the hill.