Spying On You From The Comfort Of My Toilet

Bathroom libraries. I'm sure you all have one, and, if not, then I'm sure you'll have read a book whilst attending to Nature's call. Myself, I have a pile of about 6 books ready to be leafed through at my leisure on my bathroom floor. None of them are what you would call 'serious' books, they are just books to be picked up and put down again after a short space of time.

So, recently, I've followed this... hobby... to its natural extension. I take my iPod Touch in with me. I can browse the internet, play a game, and, starting from a few days ago, spy on people. Yes, no longer does the Spy need to rely on large newspapers with eye-holes cut into them, fake moustaches and code phrases such as "The grey wolf howls at midnight". The modern Spy can sit at home, toasty warm, watching people through his PC, and the only things they need worry about are the amount of hot beverage in their mug and their bladder levels.

Now, of course, I'm making this sound a whole lot more dramatic than it actually is. Basically, it's just an app that lets you watch the feed from some camera in Duesseldorf. What is interesting, though, is that many cameras let you take direct control of them. You swipe you finger across the screen in your bathroom in Britain, and a camera in San Francisco rotates and hits a seagull in the face. I'd like to think someone passing by would look up, see the camera gyrating and think "Not that fucking Brit again!".

So, next time you're walking down the street, just pay attention to any CCTV cameras in the area. If you see any of them spinning in circles and doing the funky chicken, be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

...And a Happy New Year.

So, 2011 has slipped away like a person who has woken up at 5am after a regrettable one-night stand. It was a year that had many memorable moments, many tragedies, many great innovations - and the iPhone 4S.

I mean, seriously, why do people keep on forking out huge sums of money for barely-tinkered-with gadgets such as the 4S? It's ever-so-slightly changed from the iPhone 4, and suddenly all the fashionable kids must have one for fear of being laughed at for not having the newest gear. You know what they say about fools and their money, and it's not that they go on to live a long and prosperous life together.

But the acceptance, as a race, to be satisfied with the status quo worries me. Why don't we strive to better ourselves, as our ancestors did? I want my floating cars, nutritional pill diets and dogs in space helmets on every street corner. It's like the sense of adventure has finally been repressed, now we're the number 1 species on this planet. We're top of the pile, and have become complacent. All it takes is one small termite uprising and we're done for.

What would have happened if, back in the Stone Age, Neanderthal man looked outside and thought "Ooh, looks a bit chilly outside, let's never venture out this cave again". We'd still be there, twiddling our thumbs, but at least you'd not be here, reading this. Every cloud and all that.

Right. Anyway. 2012 has lept upon us like some predator-related metaphor. It's going to be a year full of excitement and meteorites and armageddon. That's if you listen to the tin-foil-hat brigade who are shitting their pants because the Mayans couldn't be bothered to calculate any more days past a certain date.

Hey, look on the bright side... No more Christmasses. I wonder how many 'believers' will not buy any presents for their child, expecting the world to end, then have to go on a massive panicky buying spree when they wake up safe and sound on December 22nd.... Only for termites to take over on December 23rd.

You read it here first. I, for one, welcome our new termite overlords.