Keeping Yourself Occupied on Long Journeys

Now if, like me, you spend a fair amount of time on the motorways/freeways/autobahns or your regional equivalent, you'll know that driving on them for any length of time is a mind-numbing and tiring chore. And, if like me, you do this all on your lonesome, there's nobody to hold a conversation with. So, on these vast tarmac pathways that snake all over the countryside like a child's scribbled drawing, I tend to let my mind wander.

You'll be aware that on these roads there are other cars, other people who are making the same arduous trip you are. And you'll also be aware of the large number of company wagons on the roads. These are my holy grail; I make new, and (in my mind) humourous slogans for them. Here are a selection which I doubt any marketing team would take on;

Stalkers: We already know where you are.

Stalkers are a transport company that deliver things that require delivering. Stalkers are also a group of people that follow someone around and would possibly know things about them before being told. Therefore, this slogan is a match made in heaven.

Pollock: We've dropped another one.

This one might not translate well outside of Britain. "Pollock" sounds like "bollock" - a slang term for a testicle. "Dropping a bollock" means making a mistake. Since Pollock are also a transport company, "dropping another one" may be seen as "dropping off another delivery", or "dropping another bollock". I'm funny, me.

APC: We'll blow you away.

If you're au fait on modern warfare terms, you'll probably get this one straight away. An APC, in modern military parlance, is an Armoured Personnel Carrier, which usually has some sort of large gun on it. Therefore, an APC would be able to 'blow you away' with its gun. Or great parcel delivery service. Either or.

Waitrose? We'll help you shed those pounds.

Waitrose are a sort of posh/rich people's supermarket which sell overpriced stuff. Their name also sounds like "weight rose" which is something that might happen to a person who suddenly became fat. The shedding of pounds could refer to losing weight, or your currency. More likely your currency with the price of the items there.

Spar: Our prices will knock you out.

Spar, which is the antithesis of Waitrose, is a very cheap supermarket. It's also something boxers do when training where they fight each other in a semi-serious match. These boxers would possibly risk being knocked out by bargains whilst shopping there.

So, that's basically how I stop myself falling asleep at the wheel and careening blissfully across into the oncoming lane and into the afterlife. How was your weekend?